Lifesaver continued!!!

Its been long since ive made the last post and yeah, there are a bunch of people trying to make it to this post.But like the saying goes, only the weirdos survive. Here continues the list:

5. What do you call a cubicle that moves? Especially the one in my office.....Its also called a lift/elevator. The intelligent monkeys that made the touch board are dead else i would have personally ensured that they get to meet george bush....The lifts do everything except what you want them to do. You have only one button and this is not enought to control the intelligent monkeys that continue to live in the board.

What makes this scenario worse is the presence of dumb monkeys. This category of 'people' is something you cant do anything about. Immaterial of their size in proportion to the cumulative sum of the free space in the lift, these people will barge into the lift and ensure that you get a taste of what it is to get stuck in a frut(funk+rut courtesy my 1561237th grey cell that just passed away). Some say they are purblind but i think they are proof that evolution stopped midway resulting in misfortune for the rest.While sometimes it helps that you have the fairer sex in the lift, most of the time it doesnt.

Do let me know if we can stop this from achieving epidemic proportions. Some suggestions are:

1. Start practising yoga as soon as you get into the lift - It might be good for your health but considering that you wouldnt have perfected it and the lift is in motion, you will turn in to a small whirlwind which might scare away these 'people'
2. Ensure that a softy is in the lift. Or use your god given bowels.
3. Play James Blunt!!!

6. This is my theory of how the word horse power has come into existence. Thanks to this bunch of people. Before Henry Ford and GM (and also probably after the Tata's 1 Lakh car),people used to ride the good ol way on horses and horse-drawn carts/chariots. Sometimes it just does not listen to the rider and tends to take off. Now replace the horse with a two-wheeler(sometimes four wheeler) and the rider with a left-side mentally challenged individuals and you have something that can match a molotov cocktail. A soon as a red signal comes through, there will be a screeching sound for a few seconds which ensures that even the blind person is aware of it(whoever said that our roads are not pedestrian friendly!!!). And this is when the game starts between the rider(with his xyz horsepower vehicle) and the line. Apparently, when you sit on one of these vehicles, seeing a red light and sometimes wear a helmet, the line starts moving away from you. And your horse charges at it. But the rider is trying to keep it in control by applying the brakes but its a losing game in the end. Suddenly the line comes back. Now it is the chance for the rear tyre to chase the line. And before you know it, people can actually chat up with the traffic coming from different directions.

The solution?Apparently, the author has sighted some pedestrians who have started wearing helmets for safety reasons but might be the key to solving the moving line problem

7. "One Black Coffee Please" - The evergreen ericsson ad might be a fond memory. And with this bunch of people, it is a distant fading reality. This bunch likes to converse on their mobiles with deaf people. From muttering imprecations to chalking out the business strategy for the next 100 years, you have it all. They like to provide you a glimpse into their life but hey, my dog needs to go for a poopie!!!

Solution? Take your mobile and start speaking the exact same or opposite(depending on how you identify yourself with the individual). And if you dont have a mobile, remember the ericsson ad!!!Give a new meaning to the word palm!!!

While this list is far from run out, i can hear my 1561238th grey cell snap. The price of a grey cell is a million red cells. So as soon i am about to lose these red cells, the new brigade shall be here......

Thought For the day

Interviewer - What makes you think you are suited for this job of HR?
Interviewee - While i might have a single-digit IQ score and laugh at stupid jokes....
Interviewer - You are taken!!!

Warning:Reading the following post could save your life

From being a half-realistic and completely impractical consultant with a satiric view on life, ive turned into a angelic angel who will give you tips to navigate on this journey of life without encountering fatal realities. All you need to do is avoid the following groups of homo/hetero sapiens:

1. This one is for the health freaks. And this is the one that saves me on a regular basis.....

It is a beautiful morning. You are in your tracks, raring to conquer the track. Today i am going to jog 7 km...So you head off to the nearest park so that you will not get chased by the street dogs while jogging....or probably run down by one of the morons whose bearing sense is slightly better than that of a new born fish that does not know how to use its fins.......After a few minutes it starts getting crowded....you are getting tired.....and then it happens......hopefully it nearly happens.....the over enthusiastic person(who mostly happens to be a deceptively friendly corpulent aunty) whose arms are swinging wildly and who occupies half the track nearly punches you where the sun dont shine with her violent well-directed lash but you managed to survive only because of the skills your ape-like forefathers had given you.....

2. These are my favorite. While these category of people are the most annoying, your position of strength gives you a choice.....This has to do with people who have a overbearing sense of perfection in doing their job.....and you encounter them in the parking lots......sometimes dressed in white but mostly in dresses that would blend them with the surroundings(the reason you can give if you make a choice).....they assist you with parking your car and also in raising your BP and thus you having a near-death experience....."Sir.aur aage karo gaadi ko"...."is this ok?"...."no sir a few more centimeters"....."is it ok now?"....."no sir a few more mm"....."are you ok?"......"no sir a few more nanometres!!!".....now you have a choice....you can run him down with your car and ensure that the skid marks on his body obviate the need for him to dress up.....or you can choose to be nice but die of high bp.....and since im writing this post you can very well guess what choice i had made ......it feels good too....

3. There are for the freaks. This is about freaks...The rare ones....these are the ones who ensure that sleep-deprived people like me(with just 10 hours of sleep everyday)do not fall asleep while driving.....while it seems that i should be thankful to them(and i am in a certain way), a lot of my road-rage peers think otherwise.....These are the bunch who will honk more than they drive,honk while they drive even with an empty road in from of them......and they drive at the same speed as you are.....and these could be not just human beings but also your neighbors superintelligent pet that knows how to drive.....you can road rash the humans but dont ever do that with the pets as they will bite you(but the bite marks on my legs indicate otherwise).....

4. This is a category to which a lot of working people can relate to .....this category is also the most popular(67% of the surveyed including my imaginary pet tortoise have vouched for this)....These are over cautious clients......while they pay you to do your work, they also ensure that they delay the process....while this is only to ensure that you earn more as you will spend more time....this love kind of brings into question the reality of civilisation....From sending you back to your town because you do not have an id(there might be something like free lunch but there is nothing called free advice) to not letting you enter the premises because you behaved like a wild orangutan in civilisation for the first time to just delaying information so that you can appreciate the architecture of the premises.....all i can say is return the information as soon as you get it by mailing them back....ooops....

Please post any other categories you feel deserve to be in this roll of honor...i will try my best to do justice to them.....

Change Management

It is a topic that piques some of the 'brilliant minds' in management theory but it completely pisses me off!!!

"Change is inevitable" "The only thing that is constant is change" blah blah blah is something that is drilled into management grads and i think im either developing a tumor or a second head due to this. This is because of the hassle of having exact change when you take an auto in bangalore. You friggin better have the change or else you will have a 'bad morning/noon/night'. When you hear a sound that is a cross between a cowboy making his way to the salon in the west and the sound of bells clanging in the indian temples, just relax. It is me!!!! After my first intracity client visit in a long time, i made the mistake of not thinking about change management. And yes, i got conned two bucks and lost some self-esteem early in the morning. Ever since then, i have built up reserves of change that would put even the RBI's collection of Forex to shame. My 2Rs on the topic??Id rather keep it with myself for my next auto 'ride'

10 things I get to do at dalmiapuram

Agent Name: Crazy Fool
Coordinates: Beyond Timbuktu
Mission: Avoid drowning in the coal swamps and survive without human contact
Reward: Will be sent back to civilization dirtier but wiser

That should sum up shortly about my current situation. As my bootcamp existence continues here in this god-forsaken place, (I have to run for just 40 seconds before I am out of the township………ok ok……..it is 20), I have learnt to appreciate all the simple things in life like dead insects, the dust filled manufacturing plant and sign language.

The reason I chose such a suicidal mission was that I dint realize the suicideness factor in the assignment. Things you must ask your manager before you get deported:

1. Does the client work on Saturdays?
2. Do you work on Sundays?
3. How many hours are there in a day?
4. How many days are there in a week?
5. How many hours are there in a week?
6. Out of the above, how many should a normal person work? Abnormal one?
7. Would it make a difference if I were to be married?
8. Do I need to use sign language?
9. Will I have to take up new religion/faith?
10. Will the project end?

The above is expected to be only a starting point for all those wary consultants.

Why I decided to chose coming here was to travel to the exotic locations on the weekends and here I am logging in hours on Sunday. Now I don’t even know the Fridays and Mondays of the week. Anyways, too much of digression can kill you so I will get straight to the point. The 10 things one gets to do here are (it is a different thing that you are forced to do it):

1. Detox – Non-vegetarian food is strictly banned which means that people like me have to live by breathing air. I tried doing that for 4 hours and my basic instincts won over me. It has been 3 weeks now and I feel fully purged with all the vegetarian food that has been going into my system. While I think so, my manager thinks otherwise and so I get to stay here until I am 200% sure (I might get an ISO certification for this). But the brighter side is that I still get to crack/listen to non-veg jokes (which I think is also banned).
2. See dirty naked feet – The dirty barefoot trails from the toilets that disappear into any department is a first for me. In this cement plant, dust is the sixth element. But the sense of hygiene here makes me realize what a complete city-bred hypersensitive wimp I am
3. Drown in coal swamps – On my plant tour, I dint realize how the colour of my shoes changed from shiny black to dull grey. If I get to stay an extra day here, I shall try fishing in the piles of coal dust. Who knows. My first nonveg meal could be found here
4. Live with chirpy roomies – It is a different thing that you don’t want them. In my old room, I had a lizard in my cupboard and then another one that had just moved in after its meal. While I have no problem with lizards, I just don’t want to pull out a lizard from the pocket in front of the client. Considering that I am expected to pull out rabbits from the hat, the lizards can wait.

I have shifted to a new room hence and I had a lizard fall on me just a few hours back. The new-born seems to be confused and has scampered away to some dark recess in the room. So I have kept my shoes on the dustbin to ensure that he doesn’t find a sleeping den there. Lets just call him “Prabhu Mihika”
5. Get to walk back home for lunch – This was one thing I always wanted to do. It is a different matter that I take the three sides of the square rather than one to reach the dining hall
6. Get to see a village – What can I say. One more thing off my wishlist
7. Interact with people who think you are deaf – I do not blame them one bit. I think it is the manufacturing plant where people with stentorian voices shout at the top of their lungs but still cant be heard. It has been scientifically proved that the after effects of this can last from 25 -75 years
8. Sleep in a double bed bedsheet – I am currently provided with a bed sheet that has enough room for me, Prabhu Mihika and his family.
9. Get your clothes washed thoroughly – This is one activity that has been around for as long as mankind. And these guys here give my clothes a thorough rinsing, the after effects of which are getting visible in the last 2 days. I have lost a shirt button, half a cuff button and my pant button is getting loose. Soon, I will be wearing clothes without buttons. And I don’t dread this as I think this is the best way and probably the only reason why my manager would send me back to civilization
10. Have long-standing food – I think the food here lasts for 2-3 days. But they try their best to finish it in one day. Say you have aloo sabji for lunch. The natural course of action is to make masala dosa with it. Or say you have leftover curd. Make dahi wada with it. But it sure is one helluva purging orgy.

Global Village

Yup.Been there and got stranded!!!As i sit here with a vantage view of the city surfing the new broadband at speeds that do not allow one to even scratch, i am taken back two weeks when things very different.Infact very different.

It all began when god created man(as in michelangelo's painting).And thus the internet was born. In these days when people commit suicides on the net, sell moonland on the net and get married on the net, i was trying to open my dear inbox. With bandwidth thinner than 1/1000th of the human hair strand and speed(the lack of it) that would put the speed of client responses to shame, opening the mailbox felt like the road to fatherhood. After you do what little you can do, you leave the rest to forces of nature. Every change in the colour of the screen, every change in the status bar and refreshing after every 10 minutes so that the screen conceives the mailbox is as nightmarishly close as it can get to fatherhood. While i go to the balcony, get a cup of boost, wait for it to cool, sip it, make calls to all the people on your mobile whom you do not recognize anymore, the computer works its magic.And then, after multiple attempts and 2400 seconds that felt like equivalent of 9 months, the mail box opened. I was completely emotional as i had lost 20 strands of hair and speechless as i had run out of invectives.

Since i had told the client 40 minutes back that he would receive a mail from me in 10 minutes, unless he was transported to a six-dimensional time-warp, there was a 101% chance that i had lost some credibility in front of the client. And as i slowly but surely make progress towards composing a mail, thoughts of euthanasia started to grow on me. But miracles do happen. Because i had nearly died after the numbing wait when it said time out. Thankfully i have a decent mail id that are not like:

meandmyshadows
sweetchilly
cutegal16
infectedmushroom
mailmetodie

And so i finally sent a mail to the client and copied my official mail-id on that. But by that time the sun had set and the client had left. This was the closest i had come to fatherhood and death - on the same day

Flights of Fantasy

The above is anything but apt for the current scenario in the Indian Aviation sector. As a to-be MBA, the dude with dreams in his eyes looks forward to flying biz class and rub shoulders with the doyens of corporate india. But with the current revolution in the industry and with the mantra of providing highest value to the customer(which means lower cost!!! especially for travel), the MBA ends up rubbing shoulders with the who's this? of the country. While i have nothing against this trends of the aviation sector going mass, the whole point is that the MBA dreams have continued to remain just that. And so, for no fault of his and not getting paid the daily minimum wage for the hardship that he is put through, the dreamy-eyed-konsultant has to stand in a long queue that builds up one hour before the scheduled departure because the low-cost carrier has decided not to number the seats(it is just a bloody number that doesnt mean anything) and the crowd is well......more mass and so the line between a bus and a plane gets blurred beyond the point of distinction.....And while the low-cost carrier claims that 98% of the flights are on time, the konsultant finds himself always ending up on the remaining 2% flights.....and so while the painful wait frays the nerves of the junta who make these long lines that go into the security check area(ok ok, i might be exaggerating a lil but i am a man of vision!!!), people start revealing their darker side..... parallel lines, curves, semi-parabolas and other curves that can be described only by complex lagrangian equations and would probably give coordinate geometry mathematicians tiny orgasms start forming.......my prediction is that the cost structure has hit the lowest low and will increase due to increased cost for crowd control measures.....and the unfortunate consultant gets his scissors confiscated as they are in the cabin baggage.....For christ's sake, the only person i would try to stab would be Mr.Bush who would not be on the flight anyways(it would also include a bunch of people varying from time to time but im pretty harmless)....And then another moment of truth(okie marketing guys, hold it now), and he is being transported to the aircraft..the highly competitive indian(who is taking over a lotta companies as you know by now) hits upon this brilliant idea to get down first. He will stand near the entrance and make it seem crowded. Any effort to move him would gain you so much ground that would put us to shame for handing over vast tracts to our neighbours. The effort of the staff to adjust the same would only invite angry hisses and scary glares.

Part II to continue

From the frying pan into the fire

Have you heard of somebody who was looking to leave cool, temperate bangalore and go to hot and spicy city of chennai in ammaland?I just had to look into the mirror…..After getting tired of the unusual rain patterns in bangalore, chennai seemed to be the perfect getaway…….and then I moved from the rainy city to a stormy city as the rains were even worse in chennai……and the sharks aka autodrivers continue to ensure that they continue to make you feel at chennai…….Thanks to them, ive become the Rs40 guy…….My place seems to be a Rs40 drive away from any other place that I want to go to……Considering the fact that my tam language skills are little better than the chances of mr.bush speaking any sense, the only thing I can tell the autowallah is “adayar gate” which is the park sheraton(which is stone’s throw away from my place).And then their eyes light up, just as the eagle’s eyes before it swoops down on to its prey…..Under the assumption that I put up at the park sheraton(the chance of which is worse than mr.bush making some sense), they start quoting rates in dollars and sometimes in pounds……but the Rs40 trick and generous usage of the word “Anna” seems to be doing the trick…….

The client’s office is pretty much over looking the beach……..and everytime I go to the loo(from where you have an eyeful of the Bay of Bengal), I wonder………I wonder about whether I would get to see a Tsunami………and live to tell the story to one of those hindi newschannels who would put even the FMCG companies to shame with their fast-moving breaking news and exclusives……..

After a fair bit of looking around, I managed to go to this fairly expensive thai restaurant which looked more like some art center…..called Benjarong……..and ordered khao pahd saprot go(which can be literally translated to “You will pay for your sins of consuming all the non-veg you miserable demon of the chicken”) in a hurry….the thing seemed different……..infact very different……..the first bite made me feel like a cow……and it tasted sweet. The prawns were hopelessly outnumber atleast 100:1 by the pineapples and the apples……this was not just fighting a losing battle but was suicidal……redemption happens in strange ways…….

Another Rs 40 trip today took me to kaaraikudi…..an amazing place that every visitor must go to when he is in chennai……for 80 bucks, you get 9 tam dishes, 2 sweets, curd and unlimited serving of rice…….Also a papad as big as your plate…..As I was not aware of this pleasant surprise, I ordered some chicken speciality……As a guy with a good appetite for new food and who did not have breakfast,I could not finish the entire thing….I had to walk down the remain stretch of dr.radhakrishna salai to the city center mall to get over the breathlessness…..And I also saw the living proof as to why Chennai is called the land of samber(if it is not, then it should be called so). The thambi in front of me mixed samber into his curd rice!!!! I think ive seen it all now…..